Through my eyes

I thought family were the ones to fall back on.. Apparently not

Download now. Nuff said

i guess my biggest personal flaw would have to be that i wear my heart on my sleeve. I give my all to everyone that walks through my life and makes footprints on my development as a humanbeing. this last one though has challenged every emotion possible.

first off - i dont understand lying. I am 100% honest. I am blunt and it is that way because i feel that lying to someone may be easier to ease a blow to someone’s heart/character whatever.. but if you later on find out the TRUTH then you are even more hurt because it was a LIE and then the painful truth. its like 2 blows instead of one. so why lie?

so i’m in this siutation and i like this guy but he’s lied to me. apparently about more than one thing. i’ve accidently stumbled upon shit that just DOES NOT add up, and to make it worse. . he’s heartbroken about this EX, whom he is still paying and doing everything for? Tell me this … If you break up with someone - get divorced.. WHY THE FUCK would you continue to pay for their asses shit if you had no intention or no hopes of getting back together with them. It makes no fucking sense what so ever. 2nd why would you tell me that you would spend my whole entire birthday weekend with me, if you really had NO intentions of it all. I mean.. I’d be fine, I’d be completely over it if I knew that. But then to essentially flake on me ON my birthday and then the NEXT day as well…. WTF. not only is it that, but your story about what you did the day/night of my birthday and your whereabouts and doings the next day are sketchy as fuck too?!?!?!??  WHY? then you text me later on tha tnight and say you are sorry because you know you have hurt me? and when i ask why you say “oh because you think i’ve lied” .. mother fucker if you lied to me just fucking come clean and i wont be pissed. but you continue to fucking make it seem like you are lying and when you are lying you continue to dig yourself ina bigger mother fucking hole!

See in this situation i would normally just pretend that I dont care and be like oh fuck you i dont care. but I DO. The truth is, this really DOES hurt. I’ve never known someone to lie to me soo much, or I think is lying.. or well I JUST DONT KNOW THE TRUTH?! how hard is it to just be upfront? My goal for this year, since i just turned 23 is to allow myself to feel emotions, and to speak on them. I am going to tell people when they disappoint me, I’m going to tell people when they hurt my feelings, I dont really care if they think i’m fucking crazy, because I think a lot of us, if we have gone through shit emotionally with significant others or people you have dated, KNOW The feeling. It’s like I’m to the point where trust issues ARE going to effect me. I’ve trusted EVERYONE up to this point of my life and it has only gotten me hurt. For now i’m going to assume people are lying to me until they can prove themselves to me that they are fucking worth trusting.

I’m sooo done. I’m so pissed right now, and i have to go to work when i just want to lay in my bed and be mad and let myself be mad and then I”LL GET UP and face reality.

First off what the hell happened to a thing called defense. Ill spell it out. D-e-f-e-n-s-e!! Its where u stop the other team from getting rebounds and ultimately scoring. Did the Lakers miss that memo?? Did they realize that the OKC THUNDER has a homeboy by the name of Kevin Durant that is semi pretty decent @ scoring a few buckets??? For cryin out loud STOP HIM!

I swear Tuesday the Lakers better come out like frickin bosses and put on a basketball clinic!

And dont get me started on the Dodgers. Frustrating

So tonight is a pretty cool night. Three cool things are going down tonight
1. Game 3 of the Lakers Thunder series
2. The Dodgers - Matt Kemp STRAIGHT UP BOSS
3. NfL draft

Pretty exciting. Wish there was a sports bar down here that would actually have all 3 on … wishful thinking…

So lately ive been taking this hot hula class @ the gym and omg like i can not even begin to tell u how much fricking fun it is. Like ive never taken a formal dance class but like i .. love it. I jus like shakin my ass i think .. low key hahah but its such a good workout and i dont feel like im workin @ all. Im talk bout SWEATIN! Love it.

Im getting excited for this weekend. Saturday im hittin up the Padres and Dbacks and Sunday im drivin up tp see my boys in blue aka da blue crew aka the Dodgers take on the ultimate rivals the giants.

Its going to be a nice break to get my mind clear and get ready to buckle down the next 4 weeks till GRADUATION

This past week has been more emotional than i can even put into words. I think ive felt every part of the emotional spectrum .. at least twice.. it is thursday night and im exhausted.

Tuesday morning i get a call from my mom crying. She explains to me that our dog that we have had for 14 years has taken a turn for the worst. Mind u, that this dog is my everything. He is my baby, my brother, my best friend, my true love. I treated this dog like a king. I made trips home in college just to see him. I stayed home when my parents went on weekend trips in high school just so he wouldnt be alone. I snuck him food, snuck him on the couch. He was my life. So it turns out he is dying and im devistated but the vet says if he takes medicine and anti this and that we can buy him sometime but he has cancerous tumors and pacreatitis (spell check)… so im like so torn up inside… do i feel happy he is still around or are we being fucked up owners for keeping his poor sick body around and preventing him from being in a better pain free world? I dont know. And i cant stop the tears. I dont know what is right. I miss him so much already. What i would do to jus hug him, kiss him, pet him, lay with him, tell him how much i love him one more time. It sounds so stupid because he is a dog but i truly loved this dog more than anything. And my mom doesnt want me to go home and say goodbye which makes it even harder. I want to just hold him. Its not fair… i jus dont want him to ever go. I want him in my life forever. He is the only good part of my life. Aside from seeing my mom and dad he is the only reason i go home .. i dont even like going home. Ugh. Great im crying so hard i cant breathe.

On the other side of emotions i bought my cap and gown for graduation. I was so excited in wanted to jump out of my skin. Im so happy that im almost done. I feel like ive been in school forever… or @ least 18 years of my life!

There are other emotions floating around like uncertainty, jealousy, lack of love for myself, lack of feeling good enough, but then i have times where i say fuck it. If u dont like me stop wasting my time, my feelings, my emotions, my love, my energy etc and move on to someone who will never treat u as well as i can.

Im a mess. Im sorry.

Jackie Robinson is one of my biggest heros. When I was 10 years old, I made my first all-star team for fastpitch softball. I was so excited to choose my number. I had never had the opportunity to choose. It was always 1-12 on a team and I was always stuck with 1 or 2 because I was so small. Now was my chance to pick any number and the number i picked. .. 42! Why everyone asked.. for Jackie Robinson. A man of such courage, such great ability. I want to be like him — still to this day.